Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. Glad you could make it.
I’d like to introduce you to a fabulous rechargeable silicone vibrator for the internal vibration-inclined: Fun Factory’s Tiger G5. Tiger G5 belongs to a new collection of powerful, vibrantly-colored vibes including Big Boss G5, and Patchy Paul G5.
Tiger can really purr, I tell you what. Seismic thunder emanating from its motor starts at the base and resonate to its tip; the highest setting being at least an 8 on the Sex Toy Richter scale.
I dilly-dallied around with it, booping its stylized, uncircumcised head against my clit, postponing the inevitable. You all know what a wimp my vagina is, so I found the five inches in circumference around its widest point and rippled texture to be somewhat daunting.
I possess what I like to refer to as “The Basket o’ Bullets.” I’m pretty sure all sex bloggers/workers own one of these receptacles.
This is where I toss all those pesky Watch Battery Bullet Vibrators, never to see the light of day again.
I remember fiddling with one that belonged to an escort friend of mine. She was like, “you can have that.” I thanked her, but I was secretly thinking, “very clever of you to pass it off on me, but now what do I do with it?”
I’ve considered donating them to a women’s shelter, but I’m not some kind of monster who thinks the homeless will masturbate with just anything! So into ‘The Basket’ it was jettisoned.
Oh, We-Vibe Tango. Everybody’s darling. Potent, and so compact: a mighty lil’ phenom, a force to be reckoned with. Tango is what you would end up with if you shrunk a big ol’ wand-style vibrator down to the size of a middle finger to flip off lesser sex toys.
It’s a USB rechargeable clitoral bullet vibrator made from body-safe ABS thermoplastic. No dust! No hair! No lint! You can let this baby roll around on the carpet all you want, and that’s not even innuendo.
I normally use a menstrual cup whenever I fall to the Communists, but I had run into a problem: thinking it’s the end of my period, I’ll remove the cup, only to end up spotting in my underwear. Sure, I could leave it in for another day, but that means one more day where I can’t have penetrative sex or masturbate with insertables without running to the bathroom to remove the cup.
At first I tried conventional pads (which shall henceforth be known as Maxi Bads, or ‘MBs’), but I find them gross, and always have. There’s a reason I switched to tampons as a teenager, and then ultimately to a menstrual cup in my early 20s: disposable pads are bulky, expensive, wasteful, scratchy, and often contain pesticides, dioxins, plastics, and other undisclosed ingredients.
Not convinced? Watch the billowing black smoke that issues from them as compared to a natural pad. Plus, who wants to support Big Napkin anyway?
“It was the best of slimes, it was the worst of slimes…”
From Vancouver, Canada-based company Hathor comes Sutil, a water-based natural lubricant that performs like silicone. Developed by a mother-daughter team, it’s the thickest, slickest, longest-lasting water-based lube I’ve ever used. I thought I had died and gone to some version of heaven where fornication is legal.
Free of glycerin, parabens, GMOs, and other nasties, this sumptuous oat beta glucan- and lotus root-infused blend doesn’t get gummy as it dries up, nor does it create a sensory barrier between you and your partner in the same way that cushier silicone lubes have a tendency to do.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up and rabbit!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way, unique up and rabbit!
I have never liked rabbits due to the fact that it’s so difficult to get them to align just right with my anatomy. I have, however, liked toys with protuberances that flick against my clit (my first vibrator was a bullet with a little silicone flicky tail), so I figured Lovehoney Happy Rabbit Ears would suit my tastes. It’s a penetration-less rabbit, right? You put your clit between the ears and it flutters you into orgasmic oblivion. “Of course that’s how it works,” I reassured myself, and carried on…
I thought I had it all figured out, but the manner in which I was implementing the toy left me crestfallen.
I aligned it so the tips of the ears were on either side of my clitoris, glanced at my watch, tapped my foot, hummed a little tune. Like those passengers on the bus in the movie Speed, I just wasn’t getting off. Then, after trying every imaginable means of using it, I stumbled upon a method that rocked my body with as many orgasms as I desired. Touché, Happy Rabbit Ears.
See those bright blue butt beads over there? That’s Pleasure Works Casanova: a 3.5″ long, and 7/8” wide, 100% silicone anal toy with four stacked bulbs. You can’t tell from the photos, but the silicone actually has flecks of glitter that catch the light like iron pyrite particles in lapis lazuli. It also comes in pink.
It pains me to write two negative reviews in a row, but like the famed hips of Shakira, I, too, have body parts that don’t lie. Namely my anus.
It’s not that Casanova is a bad toy, per se, it just can’t make up its mind – is it a butt plug? Is it an anal probe? Is it anal beads? The distinction is much more ambiguous than Tantus Ripple, whose base screams “not for longterm wear!” and, “tiny strap-on probe for tiptoeing into anal play.”
Hello friends! I’m psyched to announce that Bedsider has chosen to publish my article on the new, FDA-approved, non-hormonal contraceptive, the Caya Diaphragm! I am thrilled to see more options popping up for people like me who can’t tolerate steroidal birth control.
Bedsider is a private, non-profit resource for folks ages 18-29 seeking contraception suited to their lifestyles and bodies. Bedsider is totally independent, meaning the government and pharmaceutical industry do not fund them. Hooray for unbiased info!
Their articles are fun, and more importantly, honest, with real-world experiences of people from all walks of life. Bedsider’s informative guides help eliminate the stress of avoiding unplanned pregnancy, navigating birth control options, and preventing STIs.
So, please, head on over to Bedsider, take a look around, and don’t forget to read my piece! I’m really hoping this non-hormonal method catches on!
I want to love every toy I receive, to be able to return to them time and time again, rewarded with effortless, eyelid-fluttering orgasms. I want all my toys to inspire reviews akin to glittering neon signs proclaiming “lives up to the hype!” Then there’s this thing called harsh reality that butts in and spoils my fantasies and I receive a toy that literally makes me cry. This toy is named is Eva.
Eeeeva. This little bugger is the Indiegogo-funded brainchild of Dame, a Brooklyn-based company founded by sex educator Alexandra Fine, and mechanical engineer Janet Lieberman. Their goal was to create the world’s first hands-free, strap-free, non-intrusive clitoral vibrator to close the “pleasure gap” – the fact that penis-folks are twice as likely as vagina-folks to have an orgasm during sex. Eva became the most highly crowdfunded adult product in the history of the internet.