I realized just how cynical I have become when I pulled the Rocks-Off 50 Speeds of Play out of its packaging. First, the thing looks like a prop in a late 90s futuristic music video wherein a hologram boy band decked out in silver lamé sci-fi club wear croons, “…and that makes you larger than life.”
Add to that the fact its name is a nod to E.L. James’ infamous erotic lit trilogy that follows the antics of a college-age woman and her sex offender companion and it’s a recipe for side-eye.
I had to eat hecka crow, folks. This toy actually blew my mind.
The We-Vibe Tango is made from ABS plastic (the same unyielding material Lego bricks are made from), leading many folks to say their clits felt “bruised” after using it for an extended period of time.
I needed to find a solution, a cushion for the squishin’, a silicone sleeve to swaddle that mighty vibe.
Fait accompli, y’all. Enter Doc Johnson Wonderland Mini Massagers.
I know, I know, I should shun the Sex Toy Overlords famous for churning out more jelly dongs than there are insects in the Amazon Rainforest, but I saw these adorable, body-safe, Alice in Wonderland-inspired silicone sleeves, and they warmed my cold, cold heart.
Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. Glad you could make it.
I’d like to introduce you to a fabulous rechargeable silicone vibrator for the internal vibration-inclined: Fun Factory’s Tiger G5. Tiger G5 belongs to a new collection of powerful, vibrantly-colored vibes including Big Boss G5, and Patchy Paul G5.
Tiger can really purr, I tell you what. Seismic thunder emanating from its motor starts at the base and resonate to its tip; the highest setting being at least an 8 on the Sex Toy Richter scale.
I dilly-dallied around with it, booping its stylized, uncircumcised head against my clit, postponing the inevitable. You all know what a wimp my vagina is, so I found the five inches in circumference around its widest point and rippled texture to be somewhat daunting.
I possess what I like to refer to as “The Basket o’ Bullets.” I’m pretty sure all sex bloggers/workers own one of these receptacles.
This is where I toss all those pesky Watch Battery Bullet Vibrators, never to see the light of day again.
I remember fiddling with one that belonged to an escort friend of mine. She was like, “you can have that.” I thanked her, but I was secretly thinking, “very clever of you to pass it off on me, but now what do I do with it?”
I’ve considered donating them to a women’s shelter, but I’m not some kind of monster who thinks the homeless will masturbate with just anything! So into ‘The Basket’ it was jettisoned.
Oh, We-Vibe Tango. Everybody’s darling. Potent, and so compact: a mighty lil’ phenom, a force to be reckoned with. Tango is what you would end up with if you shrunk a big ol’ wand-style vibrator down to the size of a middle finger to flip off lesser sex toys.
It’s a USB rechargeable clitoral bullet vibrator made from body-safe ABS thermoplastic. No dust! No hair! No lint! You can let this baby roll around on the carpet all you want, and that’s not even innuendo.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up and rabbit!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way, unique up and rabbit!
I have never liked rabbits due to the fact that it’s so difficult to get them to align just right with my anatomy. I have, however, liked toys with protuberances that flick against my clit (my first vibrator was a bullet with a little silicone flicky tail), so I figured Lovehoney Happy Rabbit Ears would suit my tastes. It’s a penetration-less rabbit, right? You put your clit between the ears and it flutters you into orgasmic oblivion. “Of course that’s how it works,” I reassured myself, and carried on…
I thought I had it all figured out, but the manner in which I was implementing the toy left me crestfallen.
I aligned it so the tips of the ears were on either side of my clitoris, glanced at my watch, tapped my foot, hummed a little tune. Like those passengers on the bus in the movie Speed, I just wasn’t getting off. Then, after trying every imaginable means of using it, I stumbled upon a method that rocked my body with as many orgasms as I desired. Touché, Happy Rabbit Ears.
I want to love every toy I receive, to be able to return to them time and time again, rewarded with effortless, eyelid-fluttering orgasms. I want all my toys to inspire reviews akin to glittering neon signs proclaiming “lives up to the hype!” Then there’s this thing called harsh reality that butts in and spoils my fantasies and I receive a toy that literally makes me cry. This toy is named is Eva.
Eeeeva. This little bugger is the Indiegogo-funded brainchild of Dame, a Brooklyn-based company founded by sex educator Alexandra Fine, and mechanical engineer Janet Lieberman. Their goal was to create the world’s first hands-free, strap-free, non-intrusive clitoral vibrator to close the “pleasure gap” – the fact that penis-folks are twice as likely as vagina-folks to have an orgasm during sex. Eva became the most highly crowdfunded adult product in the history of the internet.
I’ve been racking my brain to write an intro and damn if Mercury retrograde and caffeine withdrawal don’t have me tongue-tied. I’m just going to be blunt: I really like this dildo.
The first thing I did when I pulled it out of the box was give it a sniff. Pinky said, “smells like…dingus?” No, it doesn’t smell like dingus, silly– it smells like licorice! I don’t like fragrances emanating from my sex toys though (I’m looking at you, LELO), so luckily the scent wore off within a couple of days.
Rookie is a minimalist, 100% silicone dildo that comes with a black ABS plastic, one-speed, waterproof bullet vibe (batteries included). Rookie is the smallest of the realistic offerings in Good Vibrations’ Pleasure Works line, and comes in three flesh tones: Vanilla, Caramel (pictured), and Coffee.
It’s got a less-is-more-meets-more-than-meets-the-eye appeal (that’s a tongue-twister). That’s the beauty of it: humble simplicity with small details that remind you – YES – this dildo was designed by sex educators using trial and error, not just speculation!
The landlady was coming over, so I hurriedly scoured the living room for obvious sex toys (like ya do), when Pinky asked, “what about the Flicky Licky?” He was, of course, referring to the Sqweel 2, the second generation of Lovehoney’s Oral Sex Simulator.
Sqweel 2 runs on 3 AAA batteries, possessing ten curved silicone flaps that revolve on an axle in three speeds. You can choose between downward licks, upward licks, and alternating up-and-down licks.
The original Sqweel was designed by Irishman Trev Murphy for Lovehoney’s Design A Sex Toy contest, and is touted as The World’s Best-Selling Oral Sex Simulator.