I love pineapples! They are a great source of essential dietary manganese, and there is an element of sexiness associated with their ejaculate taste-enhancing properties. That’s why when Crystal Delights told me I could review one of their products, my first ever glass toy, I knew right away I had to have the Pineapple Delight Plug.
This booty beauty comes swathed in a quilted black satin brocade clutch giving the whole package a retro, Carmen Miranda-esque charm.
Each one-of-a-kind, body-safe Borosilicate glass piece of is handmade in the US, and adorned with a hypnotic Swarovski Elements crystal in the base that calls to mind aurora borealis brooches popular in the 1950s.
“That’s going inside you??” Pinky asked, incredulously. “This is going inside me!” I responded, beaming with confidence.
Spoiler alert: my butt isn’t the champion I thought it was. You might say my eyes were bigger than my brown eye. Way to deflate a butt’s ego, Lovehoney Classic Large.
No-nonsense, with a well-designed base that tucks into the cheeks for safe keeping, and a slot at the base for a bullet vibrator, this satiny 100% silicone beast is heftier and firmer than I expected.
You could probably knock someone out swinging it mace-style at the bottom of a gym sock.
I wanted to start the beginning of 2016 off with a toy for beginners. That’s not a euphemism for a cheapo, toxic toy that will break within a couple weeks, but instead a solid, body-safe, inexpensive choice for individuals new to exploring their bodies.
Never had anything larger than a finger in your butt? Say hello to my little plug, Doc Johnson Platinum Premium The Minis Smooth/Small. This is by far the teeny tiniest and most adorable butt plug I own, 100% silicone, and suitable for previously ‘exit only’ booties venturing into penetration territory.
Doc Johnson let me know they popped this into the box of items they were sending for review. With a usable length of 3″ and 0.7″ in diameter (about the length and width of my index finger), I was like, “um…could you upgrade that to a medium?” It was too late, the box was already in transit.
In my four months of reviewing sex toys, I had yet to experience a sex toy-related catastrophe. Until now. No injuries were sustained, though my esteem toward the butt plugs involved was irreparably wounded.
I have been waiting a couple months to review these, so I was really excited when I finally got to pull them out of their swanky-looking packaging. I admired their slightly-phallic Eiffel tower shapes and velvety matte silicone. I felt like this would be the kind of plug I’d wear while sipping a large cappuccino, donning a black turtleneck and beret, in a smoky jazz club. I had such a good feeling, but WHOA MAN, it was a doozy.
Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. Glad you could make it.
I’d like to introduce you to a fabulous rechargeable silicone vibrator for the internal vibration-inclined: Fun Factory’s Tiger G5. Tiger G5 belongs to a new collection of powerful, vibrantly-colored vibes including Big Boss G5, and Patchy Paul G5.
Tiger can really purr, I tell you what. Seismic thunder emanating from its motor starts at the base and resonate to its tip; the highest setting being at least an 8 on the Sex Toy Richter scale.
I dilly-dallied around with it, booping its stylized, uncircumcised head against my clit, postponing the inevitable. You all know what a wimp my vagina is, so I found the five inches in circumference around its widest point and rippled texture to be somewhat daunting.
See those bright blue butt beads over there? That’s Pleasure Works Casanova: a 3.5″ long, and 7/8” wide, 100% silicone anal toy with four stacked bulbs. You can’t tell from the photos, but the silicone actually has flecks of glitter that catch the light like iron pyrite particles in lapis lazuli. It also comes in pink.
It pains me to write two negative reviews in a row, but like the famed hips of Shakira, I, too, have body parts that don’t lie. Namely my anus.
It’s not that Casanova is a bad toy, per se, it just can’t make up its mind – is it a butt plug? Is it an anal probe? Is it anal beads? The distinction is much more ambiguous than Tantus Ripple, whose base screams “not for longterm wear!” and, “tiny strap-on probe for tiptoeing into anal play.”
It’s a butt plug…it’s anal beads…it’s Tantus Ripple! Ripple probes your behind like a many-jointed finger (four to be exact), each bead bigger than the last. Mine is a hella cute day-glo orange-red with a slightly waxy finish that I snagged as a Grab Bag.
This completely non-toxic and phthalate-free 100% Ultra-Premium silicone anal probe isn’t for long-term wear unless you plan on sitting down or reclining the whole time; it will slip out. If I walk around wearing it, the biggest bead has a tendency to linger precariously halfway inside and outside of my butthole, making me feel like I have to poop.
Howdy! Meet Bronco: an ample, velvety plug designed by Tantus for San Francisco’s own Mr. S. Leather, and made, as always, from 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone.
At 1.75″ in diameter, and 5″ long, could I take on this butt plug made for gay leathermen? By hook or crook, dammit, I was determined. It’s longer and fatter than Ryder at its widest point, but also spongier and more tapered. I surprised myself by being able to get it in on the first try with the help of some oil-based lube, though for a couple minutes afterward I was walking around like a bow-legged cowgirl in a stand-off.
Tantus Slow Drive came out in late 2014 as a remake of a discontinued Tantus favorite called Faerie. It’s a non-phallic, glossy, Ultra Platinum Silicone dildo with 5″ of insertable length, and a 1.25″ diameter. It comes in silver, midnight purple, and black. I chose the hypnotizing silver, which, when held up to the light, dances with swirls of gunmetal gray, like a shimmering pool of liquid mercury.
I recently seized a literal butt-load of Tantus harness-compatible dildos because I only had (*gasp*) one, the WetForHer Five. That’s inexcusable, and I’ll be the first to admit it.
If you like anal sex, then you’ve probably given yourself an enema. An enema is like a shower for your colon, a way to flush yourself out before anal play. Frankly, I was getting tired of how much time and energy I had to waste doing the run-of-the-mill bag enema routine: fill bag, screw cap, hang bag, insert nozzle, unclamp hose stopper, clamp hose stopper, flush out, etc. I’m already getting annoyed at how many steps there are to even write about the whole tedious operation. While I still love my red CleanStream enema bag for travel, it was still a huge hassle for regular use at home.
My solution? Install a shower enema! I bought the CleanStream Alumi Tip Enema Nozzle, made from solid polished aluminum which has a nice heft to it and I find to be rather aesthetically appealing. Fortunately, we have a shower in our basement so guests aren’t going to be subjected to seeing a big metal butt plug dangling from a steel hose when they ask to use the restroom.