I realized just how cynical I have become when I pulled the Rocks-Off 50 Speeds of Play out of its packaging. First, the thing looks like a prop in a late 90s futuristic music video wherein a hologram boy band decked out in silver lamé sci-fi club wear croons, “…and that makes you larger than life.”
Add to that the fact its name is a nod to E.L. James’ infamous erotic lit trilogy that follows the antics of a college-age woman and her sex offender companion and it’s a recipe for side-eye.
I had to eat hecka crow, folks. This toy actually blew my mind.
Here’s a play-by-play:
Watching some unsexy lecture on YouTube, I wedge vibrator between my legs. Initial reaction: it’s pretty loud! Scrolling through the settings without even being horny, I was able to get off…then again…and again. No arousing thoughts whatsoever, just sheer vibrator magic.
Switch to next pattern….will I orgasm? Nah. Moving on to the next pattern…nothing happens…
How about this one? Bingo! Orgasmville. I catch my breath and use the same rhythm to achieve a second climax. Holy shit, my eyes roll back, and yet another orgasm consumes me.
The next pattern is lackluster, I press the button and the following pattern is blah. Next, next, (there are so many settings – 7 speeds and 43 pulsations/rhythmic vibration patterns – OMG!). Oh, this one is good! Bam!
Nine orgasms in my first try? What on Earth? I can’t even imagine the orgasmic potential of bringing some hot porn into the mix.
I thought that I didn’t care much for patterns (and I don’t!), but there is something about these that feel distinctly organic. Powerful. Gritty. Like the one that feels like a heartbeat, and another like the pelvic undulations of my orgasm. They keep me on my toes, consistently resensitizing me by surprising my body. One of my first vibrators was a classic smoothie, and there’s something about how the vibrations sail through that rigid ABS plastic loud and clear that does me in.
The next time I used 50 Speeds of Play, I masturbated myself raw perusing Lady Cheeky’s archive. I lost count of how many times I came; I actually felt like I couldn’t wrest it from my clit. When I finally had my fill, I turned it off and set it down next to me on the bed. I crawled over it accidentally as I was getting up and turned it back on. It took epic restraint not to just surrender to debauchery yet again.
If you want to stay on the pattern you’re enjoying when you turn it off, hold the button down for two seconds. To start back at the beginning, hold the button down for four seconds until it buzzes.
It’s battery-powered, but before you grimace, let me state that it requires AA batteries, and they are included. I almost always have AA batteries lying around as they are the O blood type of the battery world. Plus, it’s 100% waterproof. I’m not saying there’s going to be an apocalypse or nothin’, but a $40 battery-powered, waterproof vibe is a great addition to your survival kit.
To that person out there going, “I need more patterns!!” and “how am I going to masturbate when Armageddon strikes?!” This vibe is for you.
Rocks-Off 50 Speeds of Play $39.99 at SheVibe
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