Health & Hygiene

Review • Maia Confetti Twistty Silicone Duo Balls • Do U Even Lift?

Maia-Duo-Twistty-BallsMy first fling with Kegel balls was about ten years ago when I picked up a set of now-discontinued Fun Factory first generation SmartBalls.

They were too long, which caused menstrual-type cramps due to prodding of my cervix, and a burning, UTI sensation caused by the irritation of my urethra. Perhaps I just needed to get used to them? Maybe this was part of the “toning of my pelvic floor” I was supposed to experience? Ehh…

The first time I wore them, I thought it would be a good idea to take them on a moonlit test drive down by the dock with the guy I was dating at the time.

After a couple of hours, I couldn’t take the vaginal torture device any longer, and I figured I could reach under my dress, remove them discreetly, and pop them in my purse. With a gentle tug by the string while bearing down, they popped out.

What I didn’t realize was that the balls were constricting my urethra, and when I managed to pull them out – whoosh – I released the hatch and a cascade of hot piss gushed forth. I told him that I had voided (more like,”I peed my damn pants!”), as I wrapped my sweater around my waist and dragged him home.

Needless to say, I abandoned my study of the Kegelian Dialectic until the embarrassment of that night had faded away into the horizon.

I learned my lesson the second time around when Peepshow Toys sent me the Maia Confetti Twistty Silicone Duo Balls.

Maia-Duo-Balls-Twistty-2They’re so cheerful, like daffodils in bloom! I am going to romp around with jiggly balls of sunshine dancing in my increasingly athletic vagina! I am not, like This Little Piggy, going to go “wee wee wee” all the way home.

I emptied my bladder first, lubed myself up, then pushed them ever so gently within me. Then not-so-gently I pushed, then I took a break with one stubborn ball hangin’ out.

Gosh HECKING darn it! The insertable length was 4.5 inches, and thus, they wouldn’t tuck up under my pubic bone. I felt that familiar pelvic ache and urethral wrath. Why, Sexual Health Goddess, hast Thou forsaken me? Am I doomed to a life of wimpy PC muscles?

And most importantly, whose vagina is testing these Kegel balls? Is it a human vagina?

I eventually managed to get them in far enough where my vagina closed around them, but it felt like I was trying to smuggle illegal substances – that were eager to burst forth at any time – across the border in my vadge. I did not dare sit down.

Who wants to go about their day feeling as though their vagina is at maximum occupancy like a suitcase in a slapstick comedy? 

While I didn’t urinate this time around, this set of Kegel balls is just too long for my anatomy.

Thank you Peepshow Toys for sending me the Maia Confetti Twistty Silicone Duo Balls for review!

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