In my four months of reviewing sex toys, I had yet to experience a sex toy-related catastrophe. Until now. No injuries were sustained, though my esteem toward the butt plugs involved was irreparably wounded.
I have been waiting a couple months to review these, so I was really excited when I finally got to pull them out of their swanky-looking packaging. I admired their slightly-phallic Eiffel tower shapes and velvety matte silicone. I felt like this would be the kind of plug I’d wear while sipping a large cappuccino, donning a black turtleneck and beret, in a smoky jazz club. I had such a good feeling, but WHOA MAN, it was a doozy.
Firstly, I knew the 3-speed watch battery bullets that accompanied them were going to be mediocre, because duh. What I didn’t realize is that I had received an older version of the set that came with incompatible bullets that would inevitably destroy one of my plugs.
I inserted one of these ill-fated bullets into the smaller 4″ plug, appreciating how the bottom of the plug is cut away on both sides so you can grip the bullet to remove it. Well, the old bullet vibes were too short and the cavity is so long that I accidentally pushed the bullet in too far…completely out of reach…and IT GOT STUCK.
I tried to remove it with my fingers, with my teeth, I tried to shake it loose, I used pliers. Finally, I pushed the base back to get a better grip on the little rapscallion, and the silicone split. You heard that right, it tore clean open.
With a big tear down the side of one of my plugs, I had nothing to lose, so I flame tested it thinking, “this better be 100% silicone or I’m gonna go apepoop.” It checks out.
There’s a 1-year warranty, so I contacted Closet Collection to replace my butt plug. Luckily, Sara promptly sent me a new set, letting me know that they had redesigned the vibrators, lengthening them to remedy this issue. This set now comes with the vibrator pictured at top left.
I gingerly put the new vibrators in, and sure enough, I was able to remove them. A little lube goes a long way.
Despite the fact that the butt plugs are now fully functional, I’m still not totally enamored with them like I thought I would be. The base doesn’t tuck into my butt cheeks, so it feels like you can see it in my pants (or as I scribbled in my notes: BAD CASE OF LUMP-BUTT). The neck doesn’t narrow enough to stay comfortably burrowed in my rectum.
The Tango fits in them (and doesn’t get stuck), which is redeeming in the sense that they can be used as affordable silicone sleeves for butt play.
I was briefly wearing black for purposes of butt plug mourning, but the issue was resolved, so now I’m off to smoke some cloves, Daddy O.
$34.99 at SheVibe
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