This is where I toss all those pesky Watch Battery Bullet Vibrators, never to see the light of day again.
I remember fiddling with one that belonged to an escort friend of mine. She was like, “you can have that.” I thanked her, but I was secretly thinking, “very clever of you to pass it off on me, but now what do I do with it?”
I’ve considered donating them to a women’s shelter, but I’m not some kind of monster who thinks the homeless will masturbate with just anything! So into ‘The Basket’ it was jettisoned.
Why do we hate the ubiquitous WBBV, you ask? I’m gonna need some bullet points here to make some points about bullets:
- They are weak as hell, no matter how many speeds they have. Like a ten-speed bike competing at the Grand Prix, nobody cares that it’s got ten speeds, it’s still gonna be sad.
- Watch batteries run out quickly – one episode of Six Feet Under, maybe one-and-a-half if you’re lucky; so, like, at most Nine Feet Under.
- They are a huge hassle – you have to fasten the top with the precise amount of tension or it won’t turn on, the batteries are hard to insert, hard to remove, and if you place them in the incorrect polarity, it can short circuit the vibe.
- They poop out easily and often, provided they don’t arrive defunct straight out of the package.
- Companies charge extra for a dildo that includes a bullet vibe…and you can’t opt out, even if you already have a million of the little buggers.
- Not eco-friendly: watch batteries are non-rechargeable, and thus contribute to landfill waste.
- Watch batteries are dangerous: tiny watch batteries are a choking hazard if you have small children, and can be harmful or fatal if swallowed. This is a common enough occurrence that there is a Battery Ingestion Hotline. Watch batteries are also classified as hazardous waste and require disposal at a Household Hazardous Waste Collection Site.
I’ve had my We-Vibe Tango rechargeable bullet vibrator for a little over three-and-a-half months now, and I’ve recharged it approximately ten times. The cost of the electricity required to keep your Tango charged is negligible. Seriously, you could charge it for years with the change found between your sofa cushions.
Now compare that to watch batteries. At the grocery store across the street from me, a 3-pack costs $2.85. I would’ve spent $28.50 by now on batteries to power a weak-ass bullet vibe. Extrapolate that to an entire year, and I’d be out $94. That is $15 more than the initial investment of $79 to buy the Tango.
This is without even taking into account that a watch battery bullet’s strength compared to the Tango is like comparing a flea circus to Cirque du Soleil.
In closing, watch battery bullets are like the fruitcake of the sex toy world: manufacturers keep producing them, and retailers keep selling them…but does anyone actually like them?
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