Review • B Swish Bcurious • A Tale of Nope

bswish-bcurious-3This, friends, is the B Swish Bcurious, and I’m going to Bhonest here: I can’t even. My clit doesn’t even have discriminatin’ tastes, and I still can’t get off with this thing for the life of me.

While using Bcurious, I found my mind wandering, restlessly wanting to grab another vibrator to finish the job. Perhaps I was in the wrong state of mind to be masturbating? I switched to the Iroha Mini, the toy whose vibes most closely matched those of Bcurious (weak as hell, but nevertheless good), to make sure I wasn’t exaggerating Bcurious’ flaws. Sure enough, the second I put Mini on my clit, I got ‘gasm stirrings.

bswish-bcuriousThe drastic claw shape makes it impossible to place flush against my vulva (kind of like the Mini, what is up with that?), but get this, reader: the single AAA battery-powered Mini’s vibrations are stronger than Bcurious’, even on its highest setting! That is sad. Sadder still is the fact that Mini is a fraction of the price!

Something about the fast-paced vibrations and lack of oomph made me feel…well, that’s just it: I didn’t feel anything! I half-expected to look down at my crotch and see my hand hovering over thin air, realizing I’d been hallucinating the whole time. Listen, my clit does not wear armor, but that’s what Bcurious made it seem like: like the vibes were unable to penetrate my skin, and instead dissipated into the ether.

It’s not super loud, but the noise resembles the kind of alarm that sounds during a nuclear meltdown.

I tend to prefer cute, weird, or even bland/neutral to the “sensual,” “sleek,” Italian sports car aesthetic. That’s obviously a personal preference that doesn’t affect the performance of the toy. If you like that, they pull it off well. The frosty black nonporous ABS plastic and raspberry pink silicone are snazzy and luxurious to the touch. Bswish doesn’t, however, offer a pink-free option, which I find to be an odd decision. It’s either pink and black, or pink and light black (also known as grey).

bswish-bcurious-2It’s 10.1 ounces, which translates to: not very substantial. If you’re set on getting Bcurious in spite of my cautionary tale, I will concede that it has a sturdy drawstring storage pouch, pretty packaging, it’s rechargeable, has 3 steady intensities, 4 patterns, and it’s waterproof. Good things, as Martha Stewart would say. Those features, however, certainly don’t outweigh teasing vibes that resemble flutters of the gossamer wings of a goddamn ghost butterfly.

So let’s Breal here: Bcurious was so anticlimactic I could eat dinner at the White House with this “massager” on my clit without flinching. Due to misplaced empathy towards inanimate objects and out of respect for the intent of the manufacturers and retailers, I try not to discount a good toy just because it wasn’t perfect for me. That said, AYFKM? SMDH.

Thank you, SheVibe, for being the bestest and sending me the Bcurious in exchange for an unbiased review!

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