Content warning: so much butts and poop and also nuclear warheads.
I’m going to tell you a secret. I do my best work when I have to take a poo. Sometimes I’ll tell my boyfriend Pinky, “I have to poop,” and he’ll reply, “so go poop.” “No,” I’ll counter, “I’ll lose my creativity.” Apparently having to poop relaxes the body and mind by stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system. I’m anal retentive, literally, and unfortunately that doesn’t make me meticulously organized (confound you, Freud!). So, I wasn’t surprised that I couldn’t wait to start writing my review the moment I slid my new Tantus Ryder butt plug into my bum. Oh, c’mon, don’t look at me like that, you know butt plugs make you feel like you have to poop!
I have a complex about liking butt stuff. I have liked butt stuff for as long as I can remember. Long before I had my first sexual partner I was giving myself surreptitious enemas with a cleaned out lotion squeeze tube. I don’t like to talk about it though, because I feel like people get the notion that I like anal because “it’s hot for girls to like butt stuff.” But I just waxed poetic about doo-doo butter, so I think I’ve ruined my chances of trying to seduce you at this point. As much as I like butt play, I haven’t done much experimenting with plugs, and this was my first Tantus. It was bigger than I expected.
I feel like people get the notion that I say that I like anal play because “it’s hot for girls to like butt stuff.” But I just waxed poetic about doo-doo butter, so I think I’ve ruined my chances of trying to seduce you at this point.
Look at this thing. It’s almost the exact height of an iPhone 5, and the width of a 50 cent piece. Pinky says it looks like Little Boy. Despite the fact there is nothing funny about same-sex love or nuclear winter, I find it appropriate that a bomb that looks like a butt plug was delivered by the Enola Gay.
Ryder is made from body-safe, medical-grade Ultra Platinum Silicone, which means it’s non-porous and can be sterilized by boiling it, popping in in the dishwasher, or scrubbing it with a solution of 10% bleach. It’s mirror-smooth, with absolutely no detectable seam. Silicone has a habit of picking up dust, lint, and hairs, so when I’m finished using my silicone toys, I clean them off, and dry them with a microfiber cloth (regular towels have more lint than one might expect). To prevent my toys from getting dusty, I wrap them in inexpensive tea towels before storing them.
Holding it in my hand, I thought “No way I can take this sucker, I’m a total n00b.” So, I enveloped it in copious amounts of water-based l00b (I promise I will never spell it that way again), squatted down, and, well, put it in my butt. I put my clothes back on, walked around with it, did some rebounding on my mini-trampoline, and pinched myself just to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming. No “overfull” feeling (but still full enough to be aware of its presence), the base rested comfortably between my cheeks, it didn’t want to slip out, and no pain. It feels good. It feels really good; it feels like it was made for my body.
Initially, I did have a bit of discomfort sitting in the passenger’s side of my best friend’s ride. Sitting upright with it kind of disturbed me because I could feel it prodding my innards, but it eventually settled. Maybe my poop chute is short, I have no idea. I prefer to be completely horizontal or vertical while using this A-hole-bomb.
I’m not going to lie, the first day I kept it in my butt all day. I didn’t take it out for over nine hours. The next day I left it in for about three. By the end of my butt plug adventures, I was pretty sore, but even so, I was disappointed I had to take it out.
This toy is great for brave beginners and intermediates. I respect this toy. This is definitely going to be my go-to butt plug…or should I say “go-two” butt plug?
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