Poring over sex toy forums, there was a theme I picked up on pretty quickly: a dearth of girth. Folks disappointed by the lack of meaty dildos just long enough to bottom out during a strap-on pounding. Not colossal horse “dongs,” or foot-long PVC cervix impalers that sweat nightmare toxins, but simply body-safe, strap-on compatible dildos of average length with a formidable circumference.
I love pineapples! They are a great source of essential dietary manganese, and there is an element of sexiness associated with their ejaculate taste-enhancing properties. That’s why when Crystal Delights told me I could review one of their products, my first ever glass toy, I knew right away I had to have the Pineapple Delight Plug.
This booty beauty comes swathed in a quilted black satin brocade clutch giving the whole package a retro, Carmen Miranda-esque charm.
Each one-of-a-kind, body-safe Borosilicate glass piece of is handmade in the US, and adorned with a hypnotic Swarovski Elements crystal in the base that calls to mind aurora borealis brooches popular in the 1950s.
I realized just how cynical I have become when I pulled the Rocks-Off 50 Speeds of Play out of its packaging. First, the thing looks like a prop in a late 90s futuristic music video wherein a hologram boy band decked out in silver lamé sci-fi club wear croons, “…and that makes you larger than life.”
Add to that the fact its name is a nod to E.L. James’ infamous erotic lit trilogy that follows the antics of a college-age woman and her sex offender companion and it’s a recipe for side-eye.
I have a friend of the Sapphic persuasion who wanted to try being on the receiving end of strap-on play, but felt as though all the strap-on compatible dildos she’d seen at sex shops were too big for her vagina.
She doesn’t engage in penetration with anything except a finger or two, so even so-called small dildos were intimidating.
There are a million and one X-TREME monster dildos circulating the dildo-sphere, but very few body-safe, strap-on compatible penetrative toys of modest proportions. Tantus is changing that, because duh, it’s Tantus; they’re always going out of their way to make everyone feel included.
They were too long, which caused menstrual-type cramps due to prodding of my cervix, and a burning, UTI sensation caused by the irritation of my urethra. Perhaps I just needed to get used to them? Maybe this was part of the “toning of my pelvic floor” I was supposed to experience? Ehh…
The first time I wore them, I thought it would be a good idea to take them on a moonlit test drive down by the dock with the guy I was dating at the time.
After a couple of hours, I couldn’t take the vaginal torture device any longer, and I figured I could reach under my dress, remove them discreetly, and pop them in my purse. With a gentle tug by the string while bearing down, they popped out.
Pinky and I actually had an inside joke about the Fleshlight Ice when we first started dating back in 2011. I was under the impression that it was meant to be used cold, hence the name.
I couldn’t imagine anyone, absent necrophiliacs, who would want to hump a cold cavity. Though, I mean, if you’re into Dom/Sub-Zero roleplay, who am I to judge?
To my relief, the only way it resembles ice is in its translucence.
I was glad that he tried a silicone masturbator sleeve before trying a Fleshlight, because this supple material would’ve totally ruined him for anything else. It’s really that good. It’s the best inanimate object to ever hug the curves of his cock.
Spoiler alert: my butt isn’t the champion I thought it was. You might say my eyes were bigger than my brown eye. Way to deflate a butt’s ego, Lovehoney Classic Large.
No-nonsense, with a well-designed base that tucks into the cheeks for safe keeping, and a slot at the base for a bullet vibrator, this satiny 100% silicone beast is heftier and firmer than I expected.
I wanted to start the beginning of 2016 off with a toy for beginners. That’s not a euphemism for a cheapo, toxic toy that will break within a couple weeks, but instead a solid, body-safe, inexpensive choice for individuals new to exploring their bodies.
Never had anything larger than a finger in your butt? Say hello to my little plug, Doc Johnson Platinum Premium The Minis Smooth/Small. This is by far the teeny tiniest and most adorable butt plug I own, 100% silicone, and suitable for previously ‘exit only’ booties venturing into penetration territory.
Doc Johnson let me know they popped this into the box of items they were sending for review. With a usable length of 3″ and 0.7″ in diameter (about the length and width of my index finger), I was like, “um…could you upgrade that to a medium?” It was too late, the box was already in transit.
The We-Vibe Tango is made from ABS plastic (the same unyielding material Lego bricks are made from), leading many folks to say their clits felt “bruised” after using it for an extended period of time.
I needed to find a solution, a cushion for the squishin’, a silicone sleeve to swaddle that mighty vibe.
Fait accompli, y’all. Enter Doc Johnson Wonderland Mini Massagers.
I know, I know, I should shun the Sex Toy Overlords famous for churning out more jelly dongs than there are insects in the Amazon Rainforest, but I saw these adorable, body-safe, Alice in Wonderland-inspired silicone sleeves, and they warmed my cold, cold heart.
In my four months of reviewing sex toys, I had yet to experience a sex toy-related catastrophe. Until now. No injuries were sustained, though my esteem toward the butt plugs involved was irreparably wounded.
I have been waiting a couple months to review these, so I was really excited when I finally got to pull them out of their swanky-looking packaging. I admired their slightly-phallic Eiffel tower shapes and velvety matte silicone. I felt like this would be the kind of plug I’d wear while sipping a large cappuccino, donning a black turtleneck and beret, in a smoky jazz club. I had such a good feeling, but WHOA MAN, it was a doozy.